Slipping Through My Fingers

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I’m losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

~Part of the lyrics for “Slipping Through My Fingers” by ABBA

Every time I hear this song about a mother wondering where the years with her daughter have gone, I think of my beautiful Annie and Caroline. Our children are “ours” for such a short time. Some might argue they never really are, that they are born as their own little beings and we are just here to nurture and guide them through their journey to adulthood.

It seems right now that my children are all going through an age of tremendous growth and change. Of course, every age is an important part of a child’s development and they are destined to grow and change with each passing year, but you moms out there know this: Some ages just bring MORE change than others.

No one would deny that Annie’s age (11, turning 12 in July) is a huge milestone. Stuck in that complicated vacuum between childhood and being a teenager, your own body starts to feel foreign to you and the changes are swift and sometimes alarming. Your friends are all over the place with their development after years of everyone looking pretty similar. One minute Annie wants to snuggle and the next she wants some personal space. If you ever visit my Flickr page and look at photos I’ve taken, you’ll notice there aren’t as many of Annie. Annie has never been a major ham when the camera comes out (that job has been gladly accepted by her sister and brother), but she used to at least tolerate it pretty well and sometimes even enjoy it. Now she usually groans when the camera comes out, gives a rather unnatural smile that she hopes will satisfy me and escapes at the first indication that our photo session is finished…but usually not before asking if she can see the pictures first, of course. This is an age where how you look and what you wear and whether a photo your mom has taken might be embarrassing become so much more important.

Last week, the principal from the middle school came to talk to Annie and the other sixth graders about what they can expect at the new school next year and sat down with each one of them individually. She came home so excited I practically had to peel her off the ceiling. She wants to participate in “student council and yearbook and book club and forensics and band and she’s been assigned to the advanced math class and they have this and they have that and”…and perhaps she could take a breath in the middle of her story?  I love Annie’s exuberance for life. She’s a kid that soaks it all up like a sponge, usually does the right thing, always tries her best and just generally makes a mom gush with pride. She still adores her family, but I can feel the time slipping away a little more quickly now. We have fewer years left with her here at home than years she’s been alive and sometimes it truly does feel like she’s slipping through my fingers little by little. I just wish I could hold on a little tighter, but I know I can’t. I just have to make the most of the years ahead and embrace the changes which I know will sometimes have my hair turning grey and may even cause me a few sleepless nights.

Caroline is also at an age of big change. She will turn 10 in June and she is craving more independence. She clearly knows everything there is to know about everything (just ask her) and she often gets frustrated when things don’t go her way. Caroline has always been quite dramatic and we all do our best to embrace that side of her, but there are days…well, if you’re a parent, you know that despite our preferences, our children are individuals and they don’t always conform to what we might expect them to be or do. And, really, would we want them to be just little carbon copies of us? How boring that world would be.

Caroline, with her witty sense of humor, her creativity, her unique view of the world around her, makes every day interesting and brings a tremendous amount of joy to our home. Of course, highly creative individuals are often temperamental and that can be exasperating at times, but I know that my life is infinitely better because I get to be her mother. She often makes me see things in a different way and the stories she writes constantly inspire and impress me. There will come a day when I realize she is slipping through my fingers as well and her bright light and spirit will be here much less often as she heads off to college to pursue her dreams. When that day arrives, I will rest a bit more easily knowing we survived those challenging, yet incredibly rewarding years and that she kept us entertained through it all.

This post is really about my girls and I’ll save my thoughts about the big changes that turning six has brought for Theo on another day. If you have daughters, read the words to the song again. Download it on iTunes. Let it touch your soul as it always does mine and help you focus, in this moment, on what is most important. There are other songs that make me think more of Theo and our mother-son relationship, but you could easily replace “she” with “he” in this song and think of your son(s) as well.

We’re only given so much time to cherish these little beings in our home, both the delightful and the oh-so-exasperating moments. From the day they are born, they are already starting to very slowly slip through our fingers and then you suddenly reach a day where it hits you right in the heart that it’s happening faster and faster. I, for one, don’t want to waste a moment.


Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers...

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Annie's many charms which she loves to trade with her best friend
I found this shirt that suits Caroline perfectly